My mother and I had a volatile relationship that really didn’t feel close or comforting in my teens. I felt she was critical of everything I did, and I certainly didn’t think she ever thought I was beautiful. Then I look at a group of photos that she transcribed and see this. This is something she didn’t communicate to me directly, so it hits me pretty hard.
There is nothing like a dream that feels real to throw habits and reality off balance. It’s been a few weeks, but here is the dream. I’ve had a few dreams where I realize my mother has come back or that she was never really dead. But it has very much been her as I knew her coming back. It feels really nice. Like a visit.
This dream was not that. She had lied, and said she was dead so that she could go off and do what she needed to do alone. We were having a party for her coming back. My father knew. Her sisters and brothers were at the party. But she wasn’t Norma. She was this vulnerable person. This is not to say vulnerability is a bad thing. Just that it wasn’t playing out in the dream like the person I remember her to be. Her vulnerability was different than what appeared in my dream. It blocked her from being the person she was.
It was the lying. It didn’t seem right that she would lie in that way no matter what. So this has gotten me thinking about a few things.
- What did her vulnerability look like?
- What is happening in my life that this lying Norma surfaced in this way? What parts of me are trying to possibly flee or not being true?